


Peine abyssale

by gabbyxdawson



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Don't hate me just yet, F/M, I'm a sucker for angst, Multi, Others - Freeform, did i say angst, more characters to come! - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-07-23 08:32:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16155413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gabbyxdawson/pseuds/gabbyxdawson
Summary: She was his miracle, his life didn't make any sens without her. So he fought for her.-How it should have ended.





	1. Chapter 1

“Then maybe we're not a family after all.”  
It was as if someone had sucked the air out of the room. She could not breathe. Had she heard correctly what he had just said or had it just been an illusion ? But the pain in her heart, almost as if she had physically been punched in the lungs, did not lie. So did the words. They were both standing there, uncapable of talking to one another, uncapable to be close to one another, strangers to one another. She felt as if she were in presence of an ennemy, someone she could not decipher, someone to take down in order to achieve a dream. His body radiated with contained anger, suffering and incomprehension, and the barrier of this pain created a wall between them that she could almost physically feel in the room. But maybe that barrier she felt was just a reflection of her own wall, which within her barely contained the storm she felt raging. How could he have said that ? And, in the meantime, she knew, deep down, that maybe, maybe, he was right. How could he ever understand her wish for a being born out of her body, her special little person she could call her own ? How could he understand her burning desire to hold a little bundle whom she would have loved with every bone and fiber in her body ? She thought he might have had grasped the idea, he had been able to see what she really wanted, and that he decided to walk alongside her on that rough path. But he hadn't. And now she was all by herself.  
She wanted to scream, yell, cry. Do something, anything, to break out that air-sucking silence in which the terrible words he had said were still resonating, that silence which, ironically, was more speaking than words could ever be. Yet, there was still that little voice within her heart which still tried to make itself heard, begging her to talk to him. “Say something.” She could hear herself, under her breath, repeating “Say something.” Then, the pain strangling whatever voice she had, “Don't give up on me, please.” This would have been let out in a breath, almost suffocating, as if she was begging him with her life, as if she was about to die. She would have said it again, this time in a fermer voice, which yet could not hide the crushing pain which could, at any moment, overcome her : “Don't give up.” She would still be standing there, staring at his blue-green eyes, trying to share with him with that stare the agony she was in. She had everything on the line, everything to loose, if he chose not to see it inside her, see what was at stake here. Her straitghtened shoulders, her clenched fists, her stiff posture would convey the same image, that of a woman who was desperately trying to be saved from an agonizing torment, almost breaking down, on the verge of falling apart. She would wait there forever, in want of an answer, in need of a response, anything to break off the silence which had taken over again.  
That's when he muttered the words “I can't” that she realized she had said the words out loud, that she had actually stood there, hopefully waiting for her answer, which she finally had gotten. Once again, she wondered if he had said that aloud, or if it was just an illusion, again. Once again, she could not breathe anymore. Once again, her chest tightened, in order to repress the storm she felt coming up quickly, threatening to take her out with it. But, in the blink of an eye, she knew he had spoken the truth, and that she had known it all along. Deep down, she knew. She knew that, not only had he been unable to understand her, but also that she had fooled herself in thinking that he could ever be someone for her, the someone her life could no have sens without. She knew, as she had always known all along, that she was all alone, and nothing, or no one, could ever change that. She was the only person she needed. Everyone leaves eventually. That's what she had learned the hard way, with Shay and her father being just the top of the iceberg. How could have she ever thought that Casey would be the first one who wouldn't leave her ? Experience had shown her the opposite. And them standing there, two strangers who finally saw each other for who they really were, was just confirming the rule. She wasn't even angry with him. If someone was to blame, it was her, because she knew. She knew that rule. And she had just been punished for having tried to go against it.  
So, she did what she had done the whole time, and which, no matter what, was the only thing to do. She straightened up and took a deep breath. She could not stay there. She had to be by herself, or else it could not work. In her heart, the hole grew wider, but it did not matter : it had always been there and she would have time to try and mend it later. But when she looked up at him, as she was about to go, she flinched. It was as if she were staring at her own reflection, the pain eating his face, the suffering casting a shadow over his eyes, the agony stiffening his body. “Oh”, she thought, “how the tables have turned.” But, for an instant, she had a second of second-guessing.  
She flinched. For a quarter of second, she tought of answering to his pain, the same one she was feeling a second ago.  
She almost reached out to him.  
She almost took his hand, trying to easy his body.  
She almost met his eyes, connecting her soul to his.  
She almost saw the raging hope in the green-blue ocean of his eyes, slowly drowning in the waves of despair.  
She almost felt the hole in his heart, the same as hers, if a bit smaller, desperately holding on to what they had.  
She almost let him in, and let herself in him.  
For what seemed like eternity, everything held on to that “almost”.

But she couldn't let him in just as he could not let her in, for the dark demon of her soul raging inside her would come out to the world. She couldn't, just like he couldn't. The damages, the broken pieces of their souls could not be put together to form a nice, pretty mosaic. There would always be the darkness beneath the flaws, threatening to overthrow everything that had been built. For God's sake, she knew that, she could not forget it again !  
And this time, she did not flinch when she told him she had to get out of here, that she would leave in a couple minutes.  
She did not flinch when she passed by his side, hearing his heart brek apart.  
She did not flinch when her put her stuff in a bag, leaving eveything that did not matter behind.  
She did not flinch when she looked him in the eye and said in a ferm voice “I am sorry. For eveything.”  
She did not flinch when she put in the palm of his hand the diamond that had symbolized everything which meant something to her in the past years.  
She did not flinch when she left him behind, he who had been her whole life, everything to her in the past years.  
She did not flinch when her heart broke wider apart when she closed the door of the apartment.  
But why would she need any of that, now that she was all by herself, like she had always been ?


	2. Chapter II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special note for this one !  
> Indeed, I've tried troughout this conversation to redeem Gabby in the eyes of the watchers who labeled her as "selfish" and "egocentric". I don't think she should have to explain herself, for in the absolute end, as I said, it is her body and her choice to make. However, I can't help but think that the writers did her wrong by cornering her into that positin ; that's why I've tried to explain what is, in my mind, her point of view and why she reacted like such. But, deep down, I'll still blame the writers for having come to such an end, to have written pointless and unecesseary drama when Monica could have had closure and Dawsey a "good" ending. That baby storyline dragged down for way too long, and this is bullshit nowadays to reduce a badass, strong, generous character like Gabby to awoman who is only driven by her want to become a mother, even to the point to losing sight of what her character is like at its core.   
> Anyway, I hope you'll get the message I've been trying to breathe life into, enjoy, and don't hesitate to share your remarks and criticism with me !

“Oh. My. God.” Brett's face was painted with surprise and soon joy appeared on her dleicate features.  
The people of Firehouse 51 looked up from their meal as one to see what had taken her aback in a day that would have normally been just like any other.  
On the threshold of the kitchen, there she stood, the heart of the house, that had left a hole when she had left for Puerto Rico to help the victims of the hurricane. Yet, the smile on her face conveyed nothing but happiness and excitement, as opposed as the morosity and the sadness that had ruled the house over for quite some time after her departure.  
The shouts of surprise flew in a ecstatic cacophony.   
“Hey ! Look who decided to grace us with her presence !” Herrmann was the first one to wrap her in a warm hug. “Can't even tell you how much we missed you”, he whispered in her hear, before adding louder, “these guys are real pains in the ass when there's no one to boss them around !” Then came Stella, Otis and Cruz, who caught her all together in a embrace of laughters and smiles. She saw little teary sparkles in Brett's eyes as she pulled her into her arms and she couldn't help herself but say in her hear “Hey, partner. It's good to see you again”. Eventually, she was surrounded by everyone in the house, chatting happily about nothing and eveything, as if no day had gone by since they had last seen her.  
He had stood back the whole time, not quite sure on how to react to her appearing in the house, completely out of the blue. They had texted only a couple of times since she had been gone eight months ago. Even that had been painful, for the tension that had been here for months before she had even left was still present, slowly poisonning further their relationship. If even leaving was not enough for them to heal, and make up, and rebuilt all they had had, what would be ? The last time they had seen each other, he had said some things he had instantly regretted upon seeing a flash of pain crossing her face. But what was done was done, and even if he had wanted to take it back, the wound and the wondering were still going to be there by their side. Maybe that had been the final blow to their relationship and the guilt was still hovering over him to this day, making him constantly question himself, what he could have done or been to change things for the better. But still, there was that thought in the back of his mind, about him knowing that he had been forced, to some extent, to go to this length, that she had left him with no ther choice but to think this unthinkable thing, that they were not a family. She was so stubborn she could make him go crazy ; but at the same thing, that stubborness, which could be seen as egoism from the outside, what was he liked most about her, for she could to hell and beyond to help those she cared about. That greatness of her, her resilience were both her strenght and her weakness, and he knew that well enough. She had overstepped this time, but he knew it was for a good reason, and, deep down, he couldn't blame her for it.   
That's why he could not decide on how to feel when he saw her, for these mixed feelings kept on spinning in his head. He did not stand back first when she appeared, but waited until the loudest cheers had passed to leave his chair and look her in the eyes for the first time in months. In the silence that had fallen over the room, the others knowing full well how things had gone down the last time, her smiling “Hey” felt like a breeze of fresh air. He shyly smiled back, gazing at that face he loved for so long, making out her slitghly more bronzed and glowing skin, the grin across her face, showing how genuinely glad she was to see him again, the sens of calm and peace that emerged from her eyes.   
“It's nice to see you again”. He had not planned on feeling relieved when the words came out of his mouth, but that was the first thought that crossed his mind. And when he heard “You too”, he couldn't help but think that he could make things up with her after all and they could be friends again, hopefully. Maybe he didn't have to be alone after all.

When Severide heard someone knocking on his door, he knew right away who that was.   
“Welcome back”, he said all the while hugging Gabby tightly in his arms. She laughed and let out a muffled “Thank you” in his chest. He took a step back to look at her more closely, embracing that glow she radiated. She walked in and slumped on his bed, waiting for him to close the door.  
“So, tell me everything since you went MIA.”, after he had sat down.  
“Well, first, I'm sorry for having left like this, without saying anything to you or anyone else. It was unfair and I owe you at least an explanation, even if it won't fix things -”, she began.  
“Wait, wait, wait... You don't owe me anything, Dawson.” Kelly cut her short, with a small laugh. “I'm pretty sure I'm the person who knows you best after Casey, and that means I know how you react to bad news. When he told us about you not being able to get pregnant and stuff and leaving thereafter, I wasn't surprised, beaucause I would have down the same. Hell, after Shay... died, you know well enough what I did. And I can't blame you for wanting to leave, because I'm your friend and, if that's what makes you feel better, then go wherever you want, as long as it's what you need, I'll always have your back.”  
She met his warm and friendly gaze and smiled at him, feeling a wave of relief overcome her. Although she knew that Kelly was one of the persons closest to her, she could help but think that he would react in a poor way at her leaving them without some sort of explanation as to why.  
“Well, that's one thing to cross from my bucket list. Deep down, I guess I knew you would understand but I didn't want to believe I was this lucky.”, she jocked, but then the thought that she would also have to make it up to other people in the firehouse hit her and she frowned, which he noticed.  
“What's wrong ?”  
“I don't know what Casey told you, but... We didn't exactly separate on good terms.”  
“Oh. I see.”, he uttered.  
“Yeah.. There's that.”, she said.  
“Don't worry, I did get it, even if he was completely open-hearted about it. You know how he is, just like I know who you both are. Dissecting his heart or his brain open would be a better solution to know what he's truly thinking or feeling.”, he affirmed, on a slightly doleful tone, she noticed. Yeah, she knew that well enough and her heart ached for being the cause of his immense pain.  
“At least, you two talked, a bit.”, she hopefully declared.  
“Well, if you call me getting literally two words out of him in a conversation, yeah, we can say that we talked. Basically, at first, he told me what happened on the last day, and that you wanted to be left alone to think it through, what this meant for your marriage and stuff like this. Between the lines, I knew it also meant “Leave me alone”, so I didn't push it. Later on, I thought I had seen a sort of improvement, when he told the entire firehouse, which suggested he had recovered enough, so to say, to share it with everyone. But when I tried to talk to him about it, what he actually felt, he shut down. So I haven't talked to him about it for at least 6 months, I only got glimpse of what you did in Puerto Rico and that's it.” Her heart tightened at his listening. How heart-broken were the both of them ? How could have they gone to such ends ? When was it that they had taken such different paths that they were completely out of touch with one another ? Even after these 8 months, the questions kept spiraling in her head, and being away from the one person who knew and shared her pain had eventually turned out to be a living hell.   
“God, I was so stupid.”, she let out, her voice strangled by tears. “How could I put him in such a place ?”  
“Hey, hey, it's okay.”, he said, leaning toward her and putting his hands on her shoulders. “No one can ever blame you for fighting hard for what you want. But, on the other hand, you can be quite.. stubborn sometimes, to the point it is crushing. But Casey knows that. And he shouldn't have yelled at you for it, even if I agree with the fact that you dying in labor is not what I want either. Gabby, I know that it was what you wanted most, with every fiber of your being and your big heart. But you can't be possibly thinking about having a baby that way, not with your life on the line. I know it is your body and your choice, and I wouldn't stop if you decided that's what you want to do in the end. But I can't let you do it without even trying to talk to you about it. And Casey thought he would do the same, but he did it in a bad way. However, I have to be on his side when it comes to the bottom of the question.  
“I know you do, Kelly, but you cannot understand what it was like to be put in that position, because I was torn between these two choices. I wanted that baby so bad, like, it still hurts me to even talk about it, cause I felt that need at the deepest of my heart and my body. But is it worth loosing Casey's love, everyone's love, being labeled as a selfish, egocentric person ? I still don't have an answer to this day, but sometimes I can't help but think that it was worth it, because in the end the choice would have been mine to make, as it should be. But”, she carried on, “I know I should have talked with him about it, even it is my person who's at the core of the conversation. I was just feeling backed up in a corner, with him not understanding me, and the thought of not being able to have a baby... I just – snapped. How does it come that no one can understand that ?”  
“I guess I'll never be able to get it the way you do, but I can assure you, I'll always have your back.” Kelly said, in a soft voice. “No matter what.”  
She smiled to him trough her tears. Maybe she wasn't alone after all.


	3. Chapter III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How's the reunion with Brett and Kidd going to be ? Plus, Gabby meets someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back y'all ! So sorry for not having posted in a looooong time, but I was busy with college and I coulnd't get my mind into writing mode. Hoope you'll enjoy and please leave a comment or a criticism, as long as it is a constructive one.

She had known coming back was the right call as soon as she had heard the familiar sounds of the firehouse all around her when she had walked in. After a couple of hours, it felt like she had never left the station at all. Puerto Rico was one of the best experiences she would remember through her life, but she did not regret her choice to return in Chicago. How much had she missed the cold air on her face, the fresh scent of the city mingled with the wind of the lake, the smoky leather cloud hovering over the house ? The familiarity of the faces surrounding her and the love she had for them all had also struck her. They really were a family, and she could have not chosen better people to form it. So, when Brett and Kidd caught her reminiscing on old days in the back of the ambo, she let a huge grin bloom on her face and hugged them back with every inch of strength she had in her arms.   
“Easy there, sister !”, let Kidd out when she eventually got out of the embrace.  
“I wanted to yell at you when I saw you but now I can’t because I missed you so much ! ”, said Brett with her sad puppy face.  
“I know, I know, I’m sorry for all that… drama.”, Dawson apologized.  
“Not even a note ? A text ? A call ? A pigeon at least ?!”, Kidd joked ; yet Gabby could see a hardly noticeable spark in her eyes that held all her sadness and incomprehension. Brett also looked at her with her sweet, sweet blue eyes and that look that could have the harshest heart melt away. Suddenly, her guilt came back in full strength. Not only had she caused pain to Casey but also to the people that she considered her family. Maybe people were right to call her selfish.  
The thought must have been readable on her face because Kidd grabbed her by the shoulders, same as Severide did moments ago, in a friendly way :  
“Hey, don’t be so upset. I know you must blame yourself for everything that went down the way it did. I can only speak for myself, and I also wanted to tell that I missed you so very much, but I’m mad at you leaving. It’s just that… It went all so fast and we kinda found out out of the blue… I guess I had thought you would have told us first that you were planning to leave.”  
“Let me stop you right there.” Gabby butted in. “I didn’t tell anyone, because I just needed to get out of here real fast, it was a last-minute call. I just, felt like I couldn’t breather anymore here. I needed this, to get away from everything. I know that it is not the best way to solve one’s problems, but it felt so right… So, yeah, it is totally my bad.”  
“Couldn’t have you asked us to help you ? You know that we are here for you, right ?” said Brett. Was that a shake she was hearing in her voice ?  
“Hey, hey”. Dawson wrapped Brett in a hug. “Of course that you are my friends. But even if we had talked about it, there’s nothing you could have done, I can promise you that. Sometimes, I just get all wrapped up in things and If I consider it to be my problem, no one can make me change my mind and be let in. Just ask Antonio, he’ll tell you a whole bunch about it.”  
“Yeah, about that…” Brett blushed.  
“No way.” Grinned Gabby.  
“Oh yes, she’s definitely doing that !” laughed Kidd. “How many times have you asked me for relationship advice when you know I really am not qualified enough to deal even with my own couple !”  
“Um, excuse me…”  
All three turned around upon hearing another feminine voice. A young Black women, with a beautiful and soft face, her curls simply tied in her neck, was looking at them with a slightly embarrassed smile on her lips.  
“I don’t believe we have been introduced yet… I’m Emily Foster, the new paramedic.”  
“Not so new, I’ve been gone six months !” Gabby laughed. “It’s very nice to meet you, Foster. I know that you are in good hands with Brett.”  
“And I’m in good hands with her !” said the latter. “We’re rolling along quite fine, aren’t we? But…” She frowned her eyebrows. “Dawson, are you back, back, for good or just for a curtesy call ? Because Foster has been assigned permanently to the ambo.”  
“Yeah, yeah, no problem, I knew my replacement was going to stay. I oversaw it all with Boden earlier at HQs, don’t worry about that.” She turned her gaze on Stella, who was looking at her with a surprised face. “Guess where I’m going to be from now on ?”  
“Don’t tell me that… You’re going to be on truck ?” She said in a incredulous voice.  
“I am, baby.” Gabby winked.  
Stella yelled out of joy and she jumped on Gabby to hug her, swirling her around. It felt so good, so right, that she pushed back the thought of having to work under Casey’s command. How awkward would it be ? She did not want to spoil the moment. The embarrassment and the guilt were raging inside her, fighting her joy to take over her mood. Be rational, she obliged herself to think. It will be nothing but professional, because we both are professionals who are great at their jobs. The sermon helped her conceal this feeling of awkwardness, temporarily. Seeing Brett’s sweet face wrinkled with laughter, hearing Kidd’s great cries of excitement, was enough to make her heart want to burst with happiness. And soon emerged another consideration deep down, warming up her heart and her mind… Maybe she wasn’t alone after all.


End file.
